It’s T minus forty-five minutes, and I feel like I should say a few words about this year. Yes, thank you very much for the croquets, no, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline that glass of champagne, Miss Applebaum. Yes, I’m quite sure. Can’t afford to arrive home tipsy, you know, Miss Applebaum? I’m wearing [...]
I don’t really mind being the heretic for you, honest. It’s okay with me. But I’d like you, my Circe girl, my own human Strait of Messina, to know something: no. There is no day, no fractal path, no possible dimension created from any combination of events leading from the Big Bang to the present [...]
What is it that irritates me about your supposed “code of morals” ? How you employ it in cases of resentment, to amplify someone’s mediocrity. How the rules are outdated, and sometimes figments of your imagination. How you use it to judge, spitting out the words “IT’S ONLY PROPER” or “IT’S GOOD EDUCATION” when something [...]
It is so incredibly passive aggressive for you to assume that I’m too young, self-absorbed, unknowledgeable and stubborn to know what’s good for me. Furthermore, those three last personality traits all apparently seem to stem from the first. Oh, do accept my humble apologies. I had absolutely no idea that I am now a lesser human being [...]
Dear girl who hides her face in her long, burgundy-colored hair because she’s so insecure, Why this obsession with the opposite gender, ladies? You’re what, fourteen?And you don’t have a boyfriend? Forgive me for not being more understanding, but don’t you think crying is a bit excessive? No? Okay, okay, don’t glare at me like [...]
Dear girl who (inexplicably) sat next to me at the youth convention, I very well know that the only reason you ventured by me was because your BFF had sat with someone else, and the only other seat available was next to Doug, the aggressive, fake pseudo-intellectual who pretends to be uber-smart and anti-establishment so [...]